It's me. Hi. I'm the problem.

Thursday, November 17, 2022

In Taylor Swift's hit Anti-Hero, she sings:

I have this thing where I get older but just never wiser
Midnights become my afternoons
When my depression works the graveyard shift
All of the people I've ghosted stand there in the room ...
It's me, hi, I'm the problem, it's me
At tea time, everybody agrees

Honestly, I've never felt more seen. (Except in my case, it's not the people I've ghosted, but rather the people who've ghosted me.)

Recently, an older woman that I'm friendly with told me that she doesn't understand why I air all my dirty laundry "on the internets" where anyone can see them. Back in her day, if she wanted to bitch about something, she called her best friend.

And that's when it hit me -- I don't have a best friend to bitch to. I don't have any friends that I feel like I can pick up the phone and call for a good old fashioned bitch session. And then it hit me further -- I don't really have friends. Period.

Is it because I'm annoying? Do people not like me? Seriously. What is wrong with me that people don't want to be my friend? 

I've tried making friends, honestly. I've reached out to people and we've hung out once or twice, and then they ghost me. Or they don't ghost me entirely (they'll still be my friend online and they'll definitely hit me up when their kids are selling something), but they make it clear that in their hierarchy of friends, I don't rate, and I certainly don't get their time. Once upon a time, I thought I'd made friends with co-workers, only to learn when I left the job they were talking shit about me. Then there was the time I coordinated a fun night out with a bunch of couples and realized halfway through that the husband of the woman I knew best was perpetually scowling and she avoided any direct interaction with me. That was in 2019; I've never seen them since. Or what about when I invited a handful of people to spend a glorious summer day with us and they said they were busy but then I saw pictures of them online -- together. Or when someone told us all about their annual holiday party and said we should come, but then I never received any details about the party and only learned it had happened because I saw pictures online.

Seriously. It has to be me.

It's me. Hi. I'm the problem. It's me.

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